Well How Did We Get Here?

I always sorta thought gay people were crazy for wanting to get married. I think 2 consenting adults who love each other have every right in this world to be together, share their lives, etc, but I remember hearing John Waters speak years ago about gay marriage. He said when he was coming of age, gay was a perk---because you didn't have to get mired down in all that social tradition. That made sense. I ran with that personally. But now, that I suffer for my non-marriage to the father of 3 kids, I've reconsidered. Anyone in a relationship should be allowed to have a safety net. Marriage isn't romantic. It's prudent.

I also have never been a woman who felt a man should take care of me. An aunt says crap like, "marry for love the first time, for money the second" and that makes me bristle. I can make my own money, thanks! has always been my line. And, I can. I will. But, right now, I'm in a sinking boat that was gutted open by the father of my kids. That's why I feel frustrated Greg doesn't want to help me have security right now. Cause I need it, and the position of need pretty much directly points back to him, us, OUR choices.

I just want to clear that up.

I don't ever want to be sitting on my couch eating bon bons while some man works and pays my way. I don't look for the easy ticket. I don't scheme. I happen to have gone into the relationship with the Greg with a defaulted student loan. It was my fault. I deferred it, and when you do that, you have to reapply every year. The year was up. I reapplied, but heard nothing from the student loan people. They said they didn't receive the stuff, so I sent it in again. There may have been a 3rd exciting repeat as well, can't remember now. Point is, I met Greg and fell all stupid in love, and we moved, then moved again, and I just forgot all about student loans. By the time they found me say, 6 months later, in Carrboro, I was defaulted. Game over. To climb out of that hole requires a minimum payment of $286/month for a year. Which, as things are now, I couldn't do. Nor could I as they were then.

I offered to pay less---like, say, $50 a month. The kindly student loan people agreed they'd take it, but disagreed it would make any difference to the default. So, my credit has a giant, glaring red X on it. We decided to put the money into Greg first. Ok, he probably decided that, intending it all along, and I foolishly went along with it, because he was my partner, my great love, we'd be together for life, blah blah. What was good for him was great for me too. Yeah, stupid.

Around the time that I was ready to give birth to Rory, my first husband (real, legal husband material) filed for uncontested divorce. I was on unpaid maternity leave and didn't know how to do anything otherwise but let it slide. So, I did. Which meant that, along with it, I ate all the debt he and I shared from our brief union, all in my name. He had been paying his share, as we had it consolidated through one of those companies, but, once the divorce was done, he was done paying that too. I no longer could make the $250 a month payment on the debt, or however much it was. Swell guy too, right?

I was really naive and overly trusting and foolhardy about the bucks. Unfortunately, by the time I realized this, it was too fucking late. The hole was dug, I was in it.

Much like with Greg. He knew he was screwing Abby. He knew though he made more money at Piedmont than he made anywhere, he'd lose it all in a flash, but for whatever reason, didn't care. He didn't care to get our home set up, make sure I had a bed, our baby had what she needed, or anything. All he cared about was running away, into the bank account of some other woman who'd buy the romance of not being really married and the glory of helping poor Greg out of his sticky situation. He did leave the van he allowed my parents to pay off while he was cheating on me. But, he'd been driving it for years without maintaining it, and it needed major, major work. Greg felt no concern to tend to that, even.

I was just left with nothing except a sea of debt and bills and disrepair. I agreed to the support amount he has been paying, though it was less than he'd personally promised, because I believed the words of a liar. He said he wanted to have room to just do things on his own for the family that were not state mandated. I just wanted him to be willing and able to do right by us all. It seems so simple, yet, now, so fucking dumb. I really thought he would, even though he left so badly---I really thought he'd want to set things back upright again. I feel angry at myself for being so trusting towards a known liar.

Now, he owes over $2k in back support. He's made no real effort to pay that off, though a lump like that would really help me get back in balance. That represents his kids going without that huge sum. Not just me, but our sweet children. It doesn't seem to matter. It just seems to remain something for he and Abby to be snide and bitter about. I no longer need to ask "what kind of man" does this sort of thing, because I realize---the kind Greg is. An irresponsible schemer who chooses wrong over right deliberately. Oh. Yeah.

Throughout the fall, I was actually getting to a fairly good place. He was paying weekly, and I was getting some hours, not being at the point of spending all my days in court yet. Melly commented that I seemed to be managing much better without Greg around. I agreed, because I didn't have anyone who NEEDED a $100 pair of shoes, or NEEDED a pedal, or NEEEEDED....whatever, at an insatiable pace. Then, with the first arrest, Greg shifted. He paid the support later, which felt deliberate, as a means of "punishment" and/or control.

Christmas, he shortpaid again. Only the holiday, when we needed extra cash to get the kids presents---even going low dollar, it costs a lot to holidayitize 4 kids. Missed hours for closed work/daycare, missed hours for school vacation, presents, tree, food, plus, in December, there were court dates galore. I fell even more behind.

I started to maybe regain, when Greg decided, without discussion or notice, to start paying me monthly. And, of course he didn't make his monthly payment at the beginning of the month, so I would be set. He dragged it out, and just let me go without, and ignored all my questions about the payment. So, I think this started in March. Though he technically met his obligation, he paid it at the end of the month, which left me without the money I counted on to live throughout that month. Then, when it did come in, I needed it to live on in April, because April's cash wasn't going to be there until the beginning of May. And so on. Making the black hole blacker, filling the debt well with more malice and spite. It's been awful.

The worst is, we were seeing the counselor. He could have, out of basic human courtesy, and concern for the well being of his children, shared some information. "Hey, I'm going to start paying once a month. It will be this month." Maybe asked if I needed help to switch over to living that way. Instead, after dragging it out and sharing nothing, hanging up on me when I asked, ignoring emails, avoiding the questions in the parent log, he snapped. "You're just going to have to learn how to make it last all month, just like I do. I get paid once a month, and so will you. (So there, nyah, pooh)"

Yeah, I do need to learn how to do that. A little heads up and prep time might have helped. Instead, literally, I am living a month behind on everything now. Plus, in May, he didn't pay the support until into the first week of June. More of a billing logistics nightmare. So, though the paperwork says he owes over $2k in arrears, my household feels it like that $2 k is missing, and then a month of support to boot. It's very sucky. I feel...stuck. And I hate that. I'm a take action kinda girl, once I realize action should be taken.

I never wanted to be in a relationship where I was in the one down position. I ended up there, then down a few more pegs when he left. I realize my mistakes now, but fat lot that does at this point.

Greg's parents, way back the year before, said they would send $100 a month to me, just to help out. That never happened. Especially after my audaciousness to stand up for myself, and say if they were going to uninvite the children and me to have Grabby there instead, I had to step out. Those people. Worse than that, they dumped P-kid. When did this situation fall so far away from what the family needs to make it, into a pit of showing me, and telling me off, and what have you? It's so freaking, endlessly SAD. I wish I could wave a wand and take it all away. Greg acts like he caught me screwing someone on top of his guitar. Abby treats me like I am so far into the wrong, and I deserve all sorts of punishment. She stands for empowering women and giving them voices, except when she doesn't. I believe the technical term for them, as coined by Paula Abdul, is C-c-c-cold Hearted s-s-s-snake.

So, it's not that I am holding my hand out to Greg trying to milk him for all he's worth. It's that, I feel really sad that within him is not the humanity to want to make sure we're taken care of. His kids feel the effects of what burden breaks my back. He has a few computers now, and an i-pod, and takes vacations. I cry about the water bill and have gone hungry. Potato, potahto.

I'm in a place where I need help now. I didn't mean to be there, and my pride burns like prairie fire that I am. It's awful the father of my children isn't helping me out of there, but working with all his might to keep me there.